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STEAR Your Life in the Right Direction

-By Brooke

The Thriving Marriage Coaching Package is based in large part on the principle that all the situations or circumstances in your life are neutral . What makes them enjoyable, challenging or whatever you make of them is our thoughts about them. So in a nutshell, your thoughts about the situations in your life create your feelings, your feelings drive your actions and your actions drive your results. We call this STEAR (inspired from Brooke Castillo’s CTFAR model). Here is an example from the perspective of the transitioning spouse:

Situation: These are the things that happen in your life that you cannot control, All situations are neutral and can be agreed on by everyone.

Thoughts: Those phrases that run through your mind about the situation.

Emotions: What you feel in your body, these are caused by your thoughts.

Actions: This is what you do, or in some cases do not do because of your feelings. 

Results: The results that manifest in your life based on your actions. 

In order to use  STEAR first plug in a situation, oh say, a faith transition or some specific incident related to the faith transition, and see what kind of thought you are thinking, what that thought causes you to feel and then do and finally what kind of results you are generating. Here is an example:

Situation: Husband says “I’d appreciate if you’d watch this church talk on faith and doubt”

Thought: He is trying to preach to me.

Emotion: Annoyed

Action: Don’t listen to the talk and ask him to listen to a podcast you know he will find provoking.

Results: You are trying to preach to him; you are both annoyed and no real communication has occurred. 

After putting this situation into STEAR it becomes obvious what will happen in your life. If you like the result, great, just keep doing what you’ve been doing. If you don’t like the result you may want to try on a new thought and see if that changes things. See below:

Situation: Husband says “I’d appreciate if you’d watch this church talk on faith and doubt”

Thoughts: He is sharing this out of love and concern. 

Emotions: Understanding 

Actions: Thank him for thinking of you, but tell him you are not interesting in that material right now. 

Results: You respond with love and concern to him and yourself as you set and maintain a boundary of what media you will consume

Do you like this result better? You can use STEAR with any situation you may encounter and then you get to decide what the results in your life will be. 

 

 

man and woman holding heart boards
Thoughts About Your Relationship
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The Grief Cycle and a Faith Transition